The Jewish Standard of New Jersey has been having a hard time making up its mind whether to regret running a wedding announcement of Justin Rosen and Avi Smolen for their Jewish wedding.  On September 24, the newspaper published the seemingly kosher wedding announcement.  But what made this ordinary article extraordinary is, of course, its protagonists: Both Smolen and Rosen are very Jewish-looking men—and I do mean it as a compliment—that chose to marry each other instead of two Jewish girls. Chutzpa.

The Standard classified this same-sex engagement under simchas (celebrations), and set off a firestorm. On October 4, the Standard published a statement, clarifying this would not be a new standard: "We have decided, therefore, since this is such a divisive issue, not to run such announcements in the future."

But as it's easier to change intentions for the future than the course of the past, on the very next day, the Standard posted a new announcement—and given the tenor of the times—on its Facebook page.  Now the newspaper is regretting its impulsive apology: "We may have acted too quickly in issuing the follow-up statement." The commendable conclusion "the issue clearly demands debate and serious consideration," is followed by a worthy journalistic standard "which we will do our best to encourage."

Announcements and standards from the times of Bereishit

Appropriately, the series of announcements took place as synagogues were gearing up to conclude and restart the annual cycle of the Torah readings.  From the beginning of the Torah, from Bereishit (Genesis), we are offered a timely lesson about the power of statements.  God created the world, we read, by communicating his will in words, and we also read that God created man "in our image after our likeness," empowering us with the heavenly capability of announcing our intentions.  And perhaps what distinguishes the Jewish Standard from God's is also the extent of remorse on past decisions. 

Indeed, a wedding creates a status by the power of announcements.  In Jewish law, this status can be changed through divorce, but usually not be undone through annulment.  We cannot take our words back. Accordingly, even if the newspaper's announcement started a commotion, it's too late for the Standard's words to be unsaid.  You can still find Solemn/Rosen's intentions of getting married next Sunday recorded on the newspaper's website.    

The Standard and its readers take wedding announcements seriously, as do the New York Times and its readers across the Hudson. It was only on September 1, 2002, that the Times published its first same-sex announcement, featuring a Jewish wedding and a civil union ceremony. 

It was my friend Steven Goldstein, a Teaneck resident, who helped the Times establish that milestone, setting a standard that we take almost for granted now.

Social media setting a new standard 

Last Wednesday I joined Steven's event at Rutgers University in New Brunswick.  Garden State Equality, New Jersey's gay rights advocacy group, that Steven leads, was organizing a town hall meeting in memory of Tyler Clementi, a young man who killed himself by jumping from the George Washington Bridge.  Clementi's college roommate allegedly streamed a webcast portraying the 18-year-old from Ridgewood in a sexual encounter with another man, and utilizing social media, announced the event to their circle of acquaintances on campus. 

Clementi made an announcement of his own. He stated his intentions in his last post on Facebook: "jumping off the gw bridge sorry."   

If that announcement was a call for his friends to take action and help him change his mind, it failed.  The fact of Clementi's death is soundly indisputable. Sadly, it was after his body was recovered from the Hudson River that the larger community learned the details about the defiling power and immediacy of modern communication and social networks. 

I asked Avi Smolen, who graduated from Rutgers, about the two very different lifecycle events and their respective announcements:  a wedding of a Rutgers alumnus, on the one hand, and the death of a Rutgers freshman, on the other.  Avi says that "there is definitely a connection."  He and Justin experienced first "a beautiful gesture" that represented the richness of voices within their community, before the newspaper "moved backwards," signaling inclusiveness. 

So although Smolen says that they didn't intend to be champions of the cause, he finds it "fantastic" that he and his future husband were able to set a new standard and send a positive message of the merit of inclusion.  

"It is not just about us as a couple, it's about the greater community, and the extent that the community chooses to be inclusive and accepting," he said, in setting the two events together. In the wake of a tragedy that shared a time frame with his simcha, his new standard "should provide hope," he says.

Technology allows us a quicker pace of communication, of making and assessing announcements, of sharing happiness and grief and even causing happiness and grief.  And as communication speeds up our learning, last week we were reminded of the serpent in Bereishit explaining the timeless connection between knowledge and responsibility: "your eyes will be opened and you will be like divine beings who know good and bad."